20 Things you’ll most definitely need for your next “meternity” leave

By now, you’ve most likely heard of Meghann Foye, the writer and editor on a quest to ensure that all childless employees get a “meternity” leave like the rest of of us selfish parents. “I want all the perks of maternity leave — without the kids” she titled her now infamous New York Post article.

We’ll just let the fact that she actually said that sink in for a minute. And in the meantime, as Ms. Foye gets ready to embark on what I’m sure will be the most relaxing and rejuvenating meternity leave ever (because they always are!), I’ve compiled this list of helpful to-dos for Foye to remember to include during her six weeks — 12 if she’s lucky — and good luck getting that paid time “off”:

  1. To set her alarm for precisely every two hours and to ensure that said alarm wails at the highest, most soul-shattering decibel possible.
  2. To replace her breasts with heavy boulders that alternate between setting themselves on fire and spontaneously bursting forth in life-giving bounty. You know, like a cow. 
  3. To douse herself in water before going to sleep so she can experience the joy of night sweats on the reg.
  4. To switch up falling asleep in the most uncomfortable positions in her house, including but not limited to: the couch, standing up next to a crib, in front of the fridge door, in a rocking chair, on the floor perched on your side because everywhere hurts (Please see: boulder breasts), and in the car while manically humming/singing something in hopes that it passes for something soothing. 
  5. To question every single past, present, and future life choice from everything as large as the meaning of one’s mortality to as small as what to eat for dinner because WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOUR LIFE.
  6. To stock her bathroom cabinets with sundry supplies meant to catch fluids leaking from her nether regions. Also, some kind of numbing cream is recommended.
  7. To ask a stranger to weave staples across her abdomen and then attempt to step into the world’s biggest pair of underwear that will strangely, still manage to catch one of those staples, causing burning pain.
  8.  To prepare to have the entire world judge every last square inch of your skin the second you dare step outside for the first time on your “meternity” leave.
  9.  To practice bouncing something approximately the size of a watermelon in your arms for hours upon hours upon hours while someone screams in your ear.
  10. To ask a friendly truck driver to kindly run you over, back up, run over you again, then sit on some barbed wire, and then cheerfully try to take just a Tylenol to mask your pain.
  11. To hold her breath for 10-minute spans so as to mimic the panic attacks that will inevitably happen when you realize you are responsible for 1.) instilling actual responsible life choices in a helpless human being 2.) potentially paying for college 3.) play dates.
  12. To donate all of her money to an ungrateful charity that will probably use it for jeans that have holes in them.
  13. To replace human contact with various social media platforms for several months or years upon end.
  14. To spend some time wherever shady governments torture people, as this will be helpful preparation for the nights ahead. Ask for extra training in the sleep deprivation department.
  15. To create a list of all the reasons you actually do love your partner. No, you will not suddenly hate your partner overnight, this is just a nice thing to do. [evil cackle]
  16. To mimic getting dressed, try pouring the world’s largest bowl of jello into a pair of skinny jeans and let us know how that goes.
  17. To set your crotch on fire every time you pee.
  18. To try some nipple play. And by play, I mean attach vice grips to your nipples, replace with one of those man-eating fish, and repeat every hour on the hour.
  19. To schedule someone to interrupt you, preferably with some kind of incident involving poop, every time you try to take a.) a bite of food b.) a shower c.) use the bathroom d.) brush your teeth e.) make a phone call f.) have a conversation g.) finish a thought. Repeat forever.
  20. To love someone else so much that 1-19 seem totally worth it.

Good luck on your next meternity leave, Ms. Foye! I’ll be sure to drop by for a visit at the exact moment you finally get a chance to take a nap. And don’t worry, I’ll bring lots of unsolicited advice and passive aggressive comments with me.

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