30 Things I obsess about in the middle of the night

After begging my child to go back to sleep in the morning, lay down for a nap in the afternoon, or go to bed at a respectable evening hour because “mama be tired,” I often find myself the victim of cruel irony — wide awake at 3 AM, listening to neurotic chatter cloud my mind.

In the latest attempt to go back to sleep, I started writing down the panicked ponderings that plagued my brain. They are, in case you were wondering, as follows:

  1. Whether it would be cheaper to move to Denmark than send my child to a university in the United States in 16 years.
  2. 2. If that mole on my right butt cheek is cancerous.
  3. What my husband really means when he says, “Motherhood suits you.”
  4. If Goldfish dye is stunting my child’s growth.
  5. What my in-laws really mean when they say, “Parenting has sure changed.”
  6. If I work too much.
  7. If I don’t work enough.
  8. If that mosquito bite on my left boob is actually cancer.
  9. If the hostess at the potluck knew those cookies weren’t homemade, and not gluten-free.
  10. If gluten is stunting my child’s growth.
  11. How to be gluten-free without starving.
  12. If it would be indecent if I occasionally asked my husband to replace sexy-time with nap-time.
  13. What my mom friend really means when she says, “Your parenting philosophies are so unique.”
  14. If my inner-critic has been channeling the mean-mommy I met at the park.
  15. If my child will be offended when he reads everything I’ve written about him.
  16. If my child will learn to read.
  17. If the tiger, monkey, and precocious little Latin girl on TV are stunting my child’s growth.
  18. If the Real Housewives are stunting my growth.
  19. If my child will need braces.
  20. If braces are cheaper in Denmark.
  21. If the end of the world is just one flap of a butterfly wing away.
  22. Where all the missing socks have gone.
  23. If my inability to keep plants alive has any correlation to my mothering skills.
  24. If I should have another baby.
  25. If my first baby will try to sell my second baby.
  26. If we should just move to Bali and live off the grid. Yes, yes we should.
  27. If sunscreen is killing or saving us.
  28. Why I have a disgusting compulsion to stick everything I pull off my child’s face into my mouth.
  29. If I should make use of my time awake and just go for a jog. No, no I shouldn’t.
  30. How much coffee I’ll need to function tomorrow because I’ve been up all night obsessing over obsessing.

And that’s a wrap. Funny thing is, these questions rarely warrant much of my attention in the light of day — except the sock thing, that’s the eternal conundrum.

What’s the strangest thing you find yourself contemplating in the middle of the night?

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