With the birth of a child comes the birth of validity for pretty much every excuse you can conjure up. The “don’t make excuses” hogwash should be erased from every human’s vocabulary when speaking to a mother. Know who you’re dealing with, and adjust expectations through the filter of children.
And if you’re a mother, know that this is the time in your life to cut yourself some slack and let yourself get away with some things … or all of the things.
So, hey girl, don’t be ashamed to say…
1. I’ll start my diet tomorrow — the kids didn’t finish their quesadillas, or grilled cheese, or mac n’ cheese from dinner tonight.
2. I’m sorry I was late — there was only one shoe, then there was poop, then the favorite toy fell behind the television, then I wouldn’t turn the television on, then there was sweat, and some blood, and it ended in tears.
3. I can’t have sex tonight — the baby might wake up.
4. I don’t need to exercise — I have kids.
5. House cleaning is pointless — I have kids.
6. Wine is good for me — I have kids.
7. If Nick Jr., Sprout, and all those other animated channels didn’t exist I would have furry legs, stinky pits, and greasy hair. At least more than I already do.
8. I’ll start my diet tomorrow — we’re going to a birthday party today.
9. I’m sorry I was late — I can only drive properly on caffeinated coffee and we only had decaf. And no, I don’t know why we have decaf coffee in our house.
10. They don’t like the texture, look, or idea of vegetables. No need to bother.
11. They’re insulted by vegetables. It’s really not my fault.
12. No really, I feed them vegetables at every meal and they spit them out with disgust.
13. Yes, I’ve tried the “hidden vegetable recipes.” They know.
14. They’ll get their vegetables as adults.
15. Whole grain bread and the calcium in cheese are good for you.
16. You don’t understand, I’m a mom flying with children — the two drink limit doesn’t apply to me.
17. Sorry she dropped your phone in the toilet — she’s only two.
18. Sorry your eardrums were ruptured by the screaming — he’s only two.
19. Sorry he took off his poopy diaper and scooted down your white stairs — he’s only two. (True story.)
20. We’ll start potty training tomorrow — we’re going to a birthday party today.
21. Sorry I say sorry so much— I have kids.
22. Unless they have Skeet ball, a ball pit, or some other form of usable balls, we can’t go to that restaurant.
23. Sorry I was late — I have kids.
24. No child-less adult, you can’t have one of my baby wipes. Baby wipes = gold.
25. It’s not me — the baby must have a poopy diaper.
26. Yes, I meant to put my shirt on backwards — I have kids.
27. I realize it’s 2 PM and I’m still wearing pajama pants — did I mention I have kids?
28. Sorry — she’s teething.
29. Mud builds character, and eating booger boosts your immunity.
30. I can’t have sex tomorrow night either — the baby might wake up.
31. I have kids.
I think we can even go so far as to say the term “excuse” should be replaced by “bona fide justification” when coming out of the mouth of a mother.