How To Leave The House When You Have A Baby

It used to be that you grabbed your bag, jumped into your car, and went on your merry way to wherever you needed to go. But now that you have a baby? Getting out of the house requires the production and coordination of staging a Broadway show.

Sigh if the following checklist sounds familiar:

  1. Attempt for days to get to the grocery store or just out of the house. Fail.
  2. Realize that you have been talking to yourself entirely too much and that today is the day you are getting out of the house to reclaim some sanity.
  3. Change the baby. Then change him again five minutes later. And what is up with that pee-with-poop-chaser thing?
  4. Ponder taking a shower but settle for brushing your teeth.
  5. If you are nursing, briefly consider taking off the nursing bra with spit-up stains on it that you’ve been wearing for three days straight (including to sleep), but since you only have a few nursing bras, decide to wear it today, too.
  6. Grab whatever top and bottom are handy and/or fits you.
  7. Wonder what the statue of limitations is on wearing maternity clothes after you’ve had the baby.
  8. Dress baby in cute outfit because he’s all anyone cares about seeing anyway.
  9. Snap photos of baby, because you only have eleventy billion.
  10. Feed baby, then burp him for what feels like twenty hours as you ponder how you never appreciated all that free time you had a month ago.
  11. Baby keeps falling asleep during feeding.
  12. Tickle baby’s feet, blow on his face, apply a wet washcloth to his belly, and do other baby torture to get him to finish eating.
  13. OMG. Are you ever getting out of the house again? Begin to seriously doubt it.
  14. After baby spits up, feel baby’s onesie/outfit for wetness to see if you can get away with not changing him.
  15. Experience the fleeting delusion that your baby is judging you for not changing him.
  16. After the baby spits up again, give in and change him into another outfit.
  17. More photos! Those baby feet! Swoon.
  18. Try not to over-bundle baby, but over-bundle baby anyway.
  19. Wait, what’s that smell? Oh, poop.
  20. Place baby in the car seat or stroller, then go get his hat that you forgot.
  21. At the front door, realize that your pants are on backwards.
  22. Don’t care.
  23. Feel proud of yourself for remembering to bring the diaper bag.
  24. Realize there are no diapers in the diaper bag.
  25. Actually get out of the house and feel like you have just won the lottery.

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